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Hello my blog,

Long time no write, almost 3 years, i guess.  I dont know something pulled me back to this page, After graduating my Master’s in Brunei, I forgot maybe i wanted to forget everything whatever happened in Brunei. so It’s been 3 years and my life has been totally perfect to me since then.

Well, Brunei has been wonderful experience in my life, kind of important milestone and turned my life into totally different direction.  Many friends, the job i want and the promotion i dreamt of all the time.

My career life is doing better and i started enjoying my life more. I started caring more about my family rather than friends, i lost most of my friends actually, lets say, Guzal Bazarova, used to be my best friend, but now we are far even though i meet her very often. My friend Nadya, she is in Kazakhstan and doing her life well. My friend Tursungul, she is in Tashkent and living her life as she wants. I couldnt make friends anymore in Nukus for 2 years, as i say always, making fiends is my weak point.

I become involved in professional development projects in my home town. as we accepted new Decree from our President to improve foreign languages, i totally got involved in trainings and seminars. It was totally fine for 2 years but now i am tired of it. No financial support  and no benefits for my career anymore.

I love my students at lyceum, they are the only reasons that keep me there at work. They are wonderful students, clever and willing to learn more. Actually because of them sometimes i feel i am working there

I was in Malaysia in 2015 August to do a training  Developing classroom skills- Effective facilitator organized by Ministry of Foreign affairs of Malaysia. This course made a great change in my life again because i came to know 20 English teachers from 7 countries, Thailand, Bhutan, Indonesia, Philippines, Myanmar, Cambodia and Malaysia.



Happiness is real when it is shared

Recently, I have watched a movie called “Into the Wild” which is based on a true story. I really like watching movies, it can somehow change people’s lives and can be learnt life lessons, because, our life is a movie.

This movie impressed me so much, it was in my head for more than a week. After graduating from a college, young man chose a life not in a materialistic  world but, in a nature, in the wild. He rejected the society, his parents and this world. To understand the concept of Happiness, he sacrificed his whole life. He found the Happiness, but it was not complete, because he was a lone.

Into the wild

Into the wild

Recently, I have watched a movie “INTO THE WILD” based on a true story. It is about a young man who has just graduated from a college and chose a life outside of a civilized world, outside of materialistic world and finds a life in a nature, in the wild.
The thing which impressed me so much is, he spent his whole life to understand one concept, the Happiness. I agree, people even after they achieve the dreams they wished and thought that this dream can make them happy, might not feel complete happiness. He might feel the happiness of achieving his goal but its not the happiness and joy he wanted to have lifelong period.
Another lesson I have learnt is, human being is not meant to be alone or live alone, All the time, whenever he feels sad or happy, to make it complete happiness, he needs a partner, he needs someone to share it and to overcome the difficulties together or at least a little support.

Dreams come true, but..

While I was working as a teacher, i wanted to have a long break, where I could just study and travel without any money problems on my own…and this came true. No money worries, and I have the whole year for studying and travelling..and for this I am very thankful for God.

However, I have noticed,  everything in this world is possible to happen, all you need is wish. But be careful while you are wishing, what I mean is, considering every consequences, wish should be wished. 

When something doesn’t happen as I planned, I always used one of my reassuring saying. “Life gives answers in three ways. It says “Yes” and gives what you want. It says “No” and gives the better one. It says “Wait” and gives the best”. I have dreamt of studying abroad for many years. I thought it is a good opportunity to experience  a foreign life as a foreign language educator. It is actually. It should be a satisfying feeling when you achieve something u desired for a long time. However, this feeling lasts for a short time, then you again put yourself something in different. I think it is like, you cook some kind of dish for 2 hours and eat it within 10-15 minutes.  

So, I think, Is it the best thing I have asked for many years, I started practicing Islam, I got more involved , before I was happy and hardworking girl ever, now I became more relaxed, and think whatever happens is because of Allah. The reason of my studying Master’s is to have a very good job and promote as a professional teacher in my country. Now I started wearing hijab, which makes my life more difficult back home, I cant get a proper job, my family are against for that. 

Now, I am not thinking about my future, I mean the bad sides, I hope everything will be allright, again, God know what will happen. 

Lack of self-efficacy

Since I started teaching, my weak point has been teaching vocabulary. Actually learning vocabulary is my real issue. So, when I ask other people how u learn vocabulary, they say i write new words on cards and on the other side either the translation or the definition. I tried to do so, but it didnt work as I dont like reading my handwriting. There are some people who use different colour pens and they write so beautifully and organised, I admire at these kind of people. 

Well, one of my teacher colleague makes his students write whatever they find, even the tapescripts of listenings. So I asked my students to do the same thing and I also did the same. Actually it seemed to be working out. However, not all my students can tolerate this kind of teaching, and learning vocabulary seems happening outside of the classroom..I could not use any activities for vocabulary learning

recently, one of my teacher adviced me to read Paul Nation’s books and I found “New Ways of teaching vocabulary”. I found it quite useful and copied the most productive activities which I thought doable and feasible. I am actually doing this to apply it in my country…because when I tried to do one of the activities, students here were not even interested, to tell the truth, the activity failed. I know as a teacher i have to find a way to do more vocabulary activities as I can see they dont have wide range of vocabulary. When I think that “What can you change within three months, none of the teachers couldnt change them for 10 years”. So I just gave up…

speaking up

I have been feeling sick for a week. Well, it is not physical sickness, but mental,  I can say, it is depression. I didn’t go to University for 3 days. I felt weak, I cried a lot for no reason. Actually, at first I didn’t know the reason. But later on, I realized it was because of my friend who i am having some misunderstandings.

Now I decided, I cant bear with it anymore, because it is making my life miserable, I know, people say “why do you care” or “you will get over soon”. But I am not that kind of person, I am too emotional. And I remember one saying also “if you want to change the situation then change your attitude”, maybe I can do that. I will change my attitude towards her. Well, who will do the assignments then? we? together? I don’t think so. First I thought I would talk to her. But I am sure I will cry in front of her, and I don’t want that, because it means I am saying “I am weak”. Then I thought, perhaps I will talk to my lecturer and I will say “I cant work with her”. This is so unbelievable. And they will ask why I didn’t come earlier. Because I thought things wouldn’t develop so far. Now I got lost. 

I was thinking of doing this big assignment by my own, but it is so hard, or maybe it seems so hard. I don’t know what to do. It seems I came here to solve this kind of stupid problem. Why do I have to think about it. I just want to get rid of the things which I don’t want. I can do that. why cares. No one is caring about me. why do I have to? 


   I am not good at making friends, I thought I am very sociable person, but here I am having this problem for the last one month with one of my group mate. At the beginning it was OK, or maybe we were totally new here that’s why we need each other’s support, but later something went wrong or it seems to me so. However, I feel there is a tension between us. 

We are totally from different world, I mean our personality and also location. She is more religious, she doesn’t look like other Muslim girls, her faith is so strong. It is the thing I like about her until I noticed she lied to me. I noticed she is not so sincere. Unfortunately, almost all our assignments are group work, which means, I have to work with her. I wanted to join other group, but they were all full. 

We are not working collaboratively, as all the lecturers here mentions “work collaboratively”, even teaching. Only us who are teaching team, I think and which is causing me a lot of misunderstandings. I say, why do I have to teach with her, since I will be only teacher in the classroom later, I must be able to solve all my classroom problems on my own in the future. It turned out, I am teaching a lot, but she is not. Then, we thought maybe we would do the lesson plan together, but, when I call her she doesn’t come, but when I do the lesson plan by my own, she wants her name in the lesson plan, as if we did it together, but isn’t it unfair? 

Moreover, there are really two big assignments which we supposed to do them together. We are not sharing anything, she has done her part using my ideas without consulting to me, and now I have my part, which I don’t understand at all, or she doesn’t help me to make it clear, whenever I ask something she says “I don’t know”, even when I ask something about the assignment she did she says “I don’t know”. Since she doesn’t work in team, I always do by my own and It is very hard for one person. Or when I give my ideas to her, she is not interested in it. I don’t know how to work with her. Even in order to make it better, I called her to my birthday, but she didn’t show up, or didn’t write even a message. We live in the same apartment, at least she could have come to my flat and said the reason of not coming. So I though, maybe in religion, birthday is not so important. But why did she lie to me?

Once I gave her one thing until she gets one but recently I wanted it back, as I needed it. It wasn’t a big thing, so I asked her if she has done with it. I actually expected her bringing to my flat, but she didn’t come until evening. So I went to her place thinking she might have been busy, but within me I was thinking one of our saying in my culture “Give something with your hands and take it back with your legs”. She wasn’t at home, and I texted her, she said she was in Mosque. She always wanted to go that mosque to do her prayer, which is not far from the place where we live.  As I was in a hurry, I just went back. After a few weeks, we were coming back to our apartment and she offered to do our prayer in that mosque. And she said “I have never prayed here yet”, and I said, “but once you said, you had been here” and she didn’t know what to say. 

     I am very honest and responsible person. I cant stand when I see unfairness. So sometimes I can be very direct, but I don’t want to make other people upset, so I mostly keep everything in me, which later it starts needling me and it causes pain inside me. Perhaps I am too determined of myself, or my expectations are too high. Maybe I shouldn’t take everything so seriously, Maybe I should be a little bit relaxed. 

What do I have to do? I was thinking of talking to her whether she has any problems with me. But, I thought maybe it is the way she is. I don’t know what to do. 


Rooftop Birthday Party

     When I heard English musics singing “I wanna have a rooftop Party”, I always wandered what it was like. Today My roommates did a rooftop Party for me! It was something pleasant that I didnt expect. I can say, I had the best birthday Party ever! 

I am not that keen on having birthday parties, because, most of the times, my closest friends forgot my birthday, and It was kind of sad, so I better not expect anything unusual. Particularly, as I feel that I am getting older, it freaks me out. 26 years passed, it means after four years, just exactly four years, I am gonna be thirty. It is a big age. When I watched American soap opera “Friends” , there was one part where they all turned to thirty and they were all crying. However, I am so greatful of living these number of years, and achieveing not so many things, but still I feel satisfied of my life. I am also grateful of surrounding very good people, who are ready to show their kindness, whom I learnt a lot of useful lessons.

Now I am more mature and grown up than last year. Hope achieveing my next wishes until my next birthday!

What do tears mean?

Once I was told, never cry in front of people, it shows your weakness. I am not sure, if I showed my weakness or fear, or anger to my students today, but I cried in front of them. 

Crying helped me to spread away all my inner feelings which have been filling up in me since I started teaching in that class. Before crying, I remember and I remember even writing, to stop my tears which were going to forced up I wrote in my diary. “God, please help me, I dont want to cry… Why are they so lazy?, not motivated, they have no aims…no ambitions. plans…they even dont know why they are here, they dont respect…they have been doing this writing for 10 days…they still didnt finish it…how I am gonna motivate them…make them work…”

I rememebr asking how old they are and why they dont speak English even all their other subjects are taught in English. If they are not able what to do, then why they dont do what they are told to do. I couldnt talk anymore. Tears got free, I couldnt keep them in  me. 

Every night, I go to sleep, planning my lesson, and having a very good lesson in my mind…but when it comes to reality, and enter my classroom I feel helpless, stressed and I think I dont have a self- afficacy, i should develop it. Sometimes, I reassure myself, why I care about them so much, I am not gonna work here, do what other teachers are doing, let them do whatever they want…but If I do that, then it wouldnt be me, my conscience would punish me, hurt me. on the other hand, they were not taught English properly, and they are fifteen, sixteen years old and I am trying to change them within a month. Do what you are capable of doing. If you want to change them, first change yourself. 

After crying, all class were in silence, as if I had splashed a bucket of water. Then I had a very good lesson.


I do wanna scream standing on the top of mountain, and when I look down, I can see a waterfall, no one can hear me.

It seems I got stuck on one point, I want to get released and turn everything upside down, but I feel weak, and insecure. I am afraid of making mistakes and I am too coutious every single of my action. When i enter the classroom, I do want to feel as a teacher, not a rat which is going to be exprimented. Yes, it is the job I want to do, It is the job where I find my significance and grow as a person.

Maybe, I am demanding a lot of things from myself, maybe I should relax a little bit, but if I relax, I feel, I am not doing enough, and not giving enough to my pupils.

I have been teaching  already 6 lessons and havent felt satisfied, I have not reached there, where the lid finds it’s place on top of a big pot. I know it is totally new environment, and I have a lot of things to learn and to read. Everytime, I want to get CELTA, I feel, I am not ready for that yet.

When I enter the classroom, there are a lot of things to consider; am i speaking clearly, am I talking to much, does my word make any sense,oh, he is yawning,how I am gonna say it without offending her, is it OK to say like this in their culture…etc.

I know I am still a fledgling, and perhaps It is the way people learn, when I get seasoned, All these happen easily, and flowing.